Secrets About Our Founding Fathers from The Complex Mag Blog

Unless you’re a complete idiot, you’ve probably figured out by now that America is all about hypocrisy. How else do we explain the fact that the same men who wrote things like “all men are created equal” went home and whipped the fuck out of their slaves? So in honor of our great country’s Independence Day, we thought it would be good to go beyond the myths and expose the side of our founding fathers that they don’t tell you in the history books.

Even aside from that whole “slavery” debacle, our country’s earliest leaders were no angels. A closer look at the lives of politicians like Benjamin Franklin, George Washington and Alexander Hamilton reveals that they all had a few unsavory incidents in their past. After the jump, read about five dirty secrets that the founding fathers wish we would forget.

Benjamin Franklin
Writer/Inventor/Declaration of Independence Co-Author
SECRET: He Paid His Baby Mama To Keep Quiet
Perhaps the man who’s face is now on the $100 bill was making it rain the night he met the woman who would bear his first child, William. While the identity of his baby’s mom is a carefully kept secret that has eluded historians, the gossip of the time claimed that she was a prostitute who the Franklin family secretly kept around as a maid. This might be a stretch, but friends of the statesman have revealed that she was an embarrassingly poor woman who Ben paid a “small provision” to in return for her silence.

Josiah Bartlett
Congressman/Governor/Declaration of Independence Signee
SECRET: He Was All About Incest
This New Hampshire physician, supreme court judge and well-known politician married his first cousin Mary, who was the daughter of his father’s brother. The couple then proceeded to pump out a whopping 12 inbred children. The President from TV’s The West Wing, also named Josiah Bartlett, was supposed to be a descendant of this great founding father/cousin fucker. Which explains a lot.

George Washington
First President Of The United States
SECRET: He Was A Golddigger
The first President of the United States wasn’t always the most powerful man in the country. Before he met his wife Martha, he was a simple farmer and soldier who was secretely in love with his homie’s wife, Sally Fairfax. But his luck changed when friends introduced him to Martha Dandridge, a crazy rich widow. Three weeks later, they were married, and George instantly became rich as fuck. In addition to control over her 18,000 acre estate, he was soon whipping 100 slaves and doubling the size of his own own family’s house. Cha-ching!

Alexander Hamilton
First Secretary Of Treasury/Constitution Signee
SECRET: He Got Blackmailed By His Mistress’s Husband
While the Clinton name has become synonymous with political sex scandals, Alexander Hamilton was actually one of the first to admit to it. He was carrying on an affair with 23 year old Maria Reynolds, when her husband found out and proceeded to extort upwards of $1000 out of Hamilton in exchange for his silence. But when the husband got knocked on counterfitting charges, he quickly exposed the affair to Hamilton’s foe, Aaron Burr, who put his business in the streets. Years later, the grudge remained—after being challanged to a duel, Burr finally shot and killed Hamilton.

Thomas Jefferson
Third President/Author Of The Declaration Of Independence
SECRET: He Knocked Up His Slaves
Despite writing words like “the amalgamation of whites with blacks produces a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character, can innocently consent,” Jefferson definitely loved to fuck his slaves. DNA tests have since proven that he had six children with his favorite light-skinned slave, Sally Hemings, who lived with Jefferson in France for two years. They’ll always have Paris!


WOW!, I loved this article so much that I actually wish that I wrote it, cold part about it is that ALL of this is true. Trust me when I say that, Google it if you dont believe me. I thought that Michael jackson, OJ Simpson, & Ike Turner had some problems, I guess not as much as these good ol’ Folks. NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER, THE PERSON WHO SEEMS THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, MOST OF THE TIME HAS EVERYTHING TO KEEP SECRET.


~ by M.I.H on August 4, 2008.

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